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Thread: the LOL thread ... all things funny

  1. #41
    Spartan Elite The Galician's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by devin556 View Post
    easy there killer. Just wondering if your really the youngest around here. No need to get the panties in a wad. ��
    Too late for flattery... just kidding Dude.

    S/
    K

  2. #42
    Moderator Tri70's Avatar
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    Old enough to know better and too young to care!

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    Moderator Tri70's Avatar
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    A precious little girl walks into a PetSmart store and asks,�in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, where do you keep the widdle wabbits?"��As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"� She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

  4. #44
    Moderator Tri70's Avatar
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    The Irish





    The Errand

    McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini,
    Each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.
    When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed,
    The Irishman started to leave.
    "S'cuse me", said a customer,
    Who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done,
    "what was that all about?"
    "Nothin', said the Irishman,
    "me wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."

    ***********************************************
    The Lost Luggage

    An Irishman arrived at JFK Airport and wandered
    Around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks.
    An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.
    "No," replied the Irishman.
    "I've lost all me luggage!"
    "How'd that happen?"
    "The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.

    ***********************************************
    Water to wine

    An Irish priest is driving down to New York
    And gets stopped for speeding.
    The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath
    And then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
    He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
    "Just water," says the priest.
    The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
    The priest looks at the bottle and says,
    "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

    ***********************************************
    The Brothel


    Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub having beer
    And watching the brothel across the street.
    They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel,
    And one of them said,
    "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."
    Then they saw a Rabbi enter the brothel,
    And the other Irishman said,
    "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews
    Are falling' victim to temptation."
    Then they saw a Catholic priest enter the brothel,
    And one of the Irishmen said,
    "What a terrible pity.
    One of the girls must be quite ill."

    ***********************************************
    Lost at Sea

    Two Irishmen, Patrick & Sean,
    Were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape
    From a burning freighter.
    While rummaging through the boat's provisions,
    Patrick stumbled across an old lamp.
    Secretly hoping that a genie would appear,
    He rubbed the lamp vigorously.
    To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth.
    This particular genie, however,
    Stated that he could only deliver one wish,
    Not the standard three.
    Without giving much thought to the matter,
    Patrick blurted out,
    "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!"
    The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash,
    And immediately the entire sea turned into
    The finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
    Simultaneously, the genie vanished.
    Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull
    Broke the stillness as the two men
    considered their circumstances.
    Sean looked disgustedly at Patrick
    Whose wish had been granted.
    After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke:

    "Nice going Patrick!
    Now we're going to have to pee in the boat.

    ***********************************************
    The Fall

    Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze
    In his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily.
    Struggling to his feet,
    He felt something wet running down his leg.
    "Please Lord," he implored,
    "let it be blood."



    (And the best for last)



    You've Been Drinking Again!

    An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night.
    The bartender finally said that the bar was closing.
    So, the Irishman stood up to leave fell flat on his face.
    He tried to stand one more time; same result.
    He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air
    And maybe that will sober him up.
    Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again.
    So he decided to crawl the four blocks home.
    Again, he fell flat on his face.
    He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.
    When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.
    This time he managed to pull himself upright,
    But he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep
    As soon as his head hit the pillow.
    He was awakened the next morning
    To his wife standing over him, shouting,

    "SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"

    Putting on an innocent look,
    And intent on bluffing it out he said,
    "What makes you say that?"

    "The pub just called.
    You left your wheelchair there again."

  5. #45
    Moderator Tri70's Avatar
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    Deep In the back woods of Tennessee, a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am
    doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.

    Whoa there, said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" said the doctor.

    Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby.

    "No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.

    The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?

  6. #46
    Moderator Tri70's Avatar
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    Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?

    Dentist: $100.00.

    Patient: $100.00 for just a few minutes work?

    Dentist: Well, I can extract it very slowly if you like.

  7. #47
    Moderator Tri70's Avatar
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    After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said ......."fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 20-year-old girl".
    >
    "Now ... I have a $250,000.00 home, a $30,000.00 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, and ... I'm sleeping with a 70-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things", I told her!
    >
    My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 20-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
    >
    Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.
    If we could follow 1 Commandment, 'Love Each Other!', it would be enough! -Apostle Paul

    21 Then I saw “a new heaven and a new earth,”[a] for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea.

    "Nothing can now be believed which is seen in a newspaper. Truth itself becomes suspicious by being put into that polluted vehicle. The real extent of this state of misinformation is known only to those who are in situations to confront facts within their knowledge with the lies of the day." —Thomas Jefferson (1807)

  8. #48
    Moderator Tri70's Avatar
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    Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely i can 't look that old.

    Well . . . You 'll love this one.


    My name is alice , and i was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.

    I noticed his dds diploma on the wall, which bore his full name.

    Suddenly, i remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago.


    Could he be the same guy that i had a secret crush on, way back then?


    Upon seeing him, however, i quickly discarded any such thought.


    This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.


    After he examined my teeth, i asked him if he had attended morgan park high school ...


    'yes. Yes, i did. I 'm a mustang, ' he gleamed with pride.


    When did you graduate? ' i asked.


    He answered, 'in 1967.. Why do you ask? '


    you were in my class! ', i exclaimed.


    He looked at me closely.



    Then, that ugly,



    old,



    bald,



    wrinkled faced,


    fat-assed,



    gray-haired,



    decrepit



    s o b



    asked me,




    'what did you teach???
    If we could follow 1 Commandment, 'Love Each Other!', it would be enough! -Apostle Paul

    21 Then I saw “a new heaven and a new earth,”[a] for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea.

    "Nothing can now be believed which is seen in a newspaper. Truth itself becomes suspicious by being put into that polluted vehicle. The real extent of this state of misinformation is known only to those who are in situations to confront facts within their knowledge with the lies of the day." —Thomas Jefferson (1807)

  9. #49
    A well armed English man Davy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tri70 View Post
    Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely i can 't look that old.

    Well . . . You 'll love this one.


    My name is alice , and i was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.

    I noticed his dds diploma on the wall, which bore his full name.

    Suddenly, i remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago.


    Could he be the same guy that i had a secret crush on, way back then?


    Upon seeing him, however, i quickly discarded any such thought.


    This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.


    After he examined my teeth, i asked him if he had attended morgan park high school ...


    'yes. Yes, i did. I 'm a mustang, ' he gleamed with pride.


    When did you graduate? ' i asked.


    He answered, 'in 1967.. Why do you ask? '


    you were in my class! ', i exclaimed.


    He looked at me closely.



    Then, that ugly,



    old,



    bald,



    wrinkled faced,


    fat-assed,



    gray-haired,



    decrepit



    s o b



    asked me,




    'what did you teach???
    I will never again read one of your jokes whilst drinking tea. Bloody keyboards soaking.
    Ask and ye shall receive

  10. #50
    Moderator Tri70's Avatar
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    LOL! I love a laugh!!
    If we could follow 1 Commandment, 'Love Each Other!', it would be enough! -Apostle Paul

    21 Then I saw “a new heaven and a new earth,”[a] for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea.

    "Nothing can now be believed which is seen in a newspaper. Truth itself becomes suspicious by being put into that polluted vehicle. The real extent of this state of misinformation is known only to those who are in situations to confront facts within their knowledge with the lies of the day." —Thomas Jefferson (1807)

  11. #51
    Moderator Tri70's Avatar
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    The wife's back on the warpath again. Last nite she said she wanted to make a sex movie, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
    If we could follow 1 Commandment, 'Love Each Other!', it would be enough! -Apostle Paul

    21 Then I saw “a new heaven and a new earth,”[a] for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea.

    "Nothing can now be believed which is seen in a newspaper. Truth itself becomes suspicious by being put into that polluted vehicle. The real extent of this state of misinformation is known only to those who are in situations to confront facts within their knowledge with the lies of the day." —Thomas Jefferson (1807)

  12. #52
    I am awesome Dog's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tri70 View Post
    The wife's back on the warpath again. Last nite she said she wanted to make a sex movie, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
    LMAO, nice try ... you spend a lot of nights on the couch don't you
    ΜΩΛΩΝ ΛΑβΕ
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  13. #53
    Moderator Tri70's Avatar
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    A small boy came running out of the bathroom in tears.
    "What's the matter?" asked his father.
    "I dropped my toothbrush in the toilet."
    "Okay, don't worry, but we'd better throw it out"
    So the father fished the toothbrush out of the toilet and put it in the garbage. When he returned, the boy was holding another toothbrush.
    "Isn't that my toothbrush?" the father said.
    "Yes," said the boy, "and we'd better throw this one out too, because it fell in the toilet four days ago."
    If we could follow 1 Commandment, 'Love Each Other!', it would be enough! -Apostle Paul

    21 Then I saw “a new heaven and a new earth,”[a] for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea.

    "Nothing can now be believed which is seen in a newspaper. Truth itself becomes suspicious by being put into that polluted vehicle. The real extent of this state of misinformation is known only to those who are in situations to confront facts within their knowledge with the lies of the day." —Thomas Jefferson (1807)

  14. #54
    Friend of Sparta Ineffable Aces's Avatar
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    My wife and I are faithful as Basset hounds, however we do have a plan in place that if the stars ever align in our favor, we can step outside of the marriage with our one fantasy partner. When we got married she selected Brad Pitt, and I Angelina Jolie. But after several years of marriage we recently sat down to revise our choices. She chose Ryan Gosling. I chose the babysitter.
    Quote Originally Posted by Dillinger View Post
    No one thinks your funny. No one.

  15. #55
    Moderator Tri70's Avatar
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    A Queensland Tourist visiting New Zealand for the first time hired a car to travel to both North & South Islands .

    On his way to the South Island he observed a bloke in a paddock having sex with a sheep.

    The tourist was horrified to think this unacceptable behaviour could occur in this educated country.
    He was so disgusted he stopped at the nearby pub to sooth his nerves.

    Whilst at the bar he noticed a chap with one leg at the end of the bar discreetly wanking himself.

    The tourist was disgusted & said to the barmaid, "What the hell is going on over here,
    I've only been here for a couple hours & I've seen a bloke screwing a sheep in the paddock & now this one legged bloke at the end of the bar wanking himself off".

    The barmaid replied, "Fair go mate, be reasonable - you can't expect a man with only one leg to catch a sheep".
    If we could follow 1 Commandment, 'Love Each Other!', it would be enough! -Apostle Paul

    21 Then I saw “a new heaven and a new earth,”[a] for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea.

    "Nothing can now be believed which is seen in a newspaper. Truth itself becomes suspicious by being put into that polluted vehicle. The real extent of this state of misinformation is known only to those who are in situations to confront facts within their knowledge with the lies of the day." —Thomas Jefferson (1807)

  16. #56
    Moderator Tri70's Avatar
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    Homesick Snowbird:

    I was in Ft. Myers, Florida the other day and I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read:

    "I miss Chicago"

    So, I broke the window, stole the radio, shot out two of the tires, added an Obama bumper sticker, and left a note that read, "I hope this helps!"
    If we could follow 1 Commandment, 'Love Each Other!', it would be enough! -Apostle Paul

    21 Then I saw “a new heaven and a new earth,”[a] for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea.

    "Nothing can now be believed which is seen in a newspaper. Truth itself becomes suspicious by being put into that polluted vehicle. The real extent of this state of misinformation is known only to those who are in situations to confront facts within their knowledge with the lies of the day." —Thomas Jefferson (1807)

  17. #57
    Moderator Tri70's Avatar
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    A guy and his buddy are getting trashed in a bar when the guy pukes on himself. he gets all upset and explains to his buddy that the last time he went out drinking he puked on himself and his wife got really mad at him.

    "No problem" says the buddy "take a 20 dollar bill and put it in your shirt pocket and tell your wife somebody you didn't know puked on you and gave you 20 dollars for the cleaning."

    The two of them proceed to get drunker.

    When the guy goes home his wife is, as expected, upset.

    "You barfed all over yourself!" said the wife.

    "No I have not, some guy puked on me and gave me 20 dollars to clean my shirt! and its right here in my pocket!"

    The wife puts her hand in the guys shirt pocket and pulls out two 20 dollar bills.

    "Hey, you have 40 dollars in your shirt pocket?!?! says the wife.

    "Yeah, he crapped my pants too!"
    If we could follow 1 Commandment, 'Love Each Other!', it would be enough! -Apostle Paul

    21 Then I saw “a new heaven and a new earth,”[a] for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea.

    "Nothing can now be believed which is seen in a newspaper. Truth itself becomes suspicious by being put into that polluted vehicle. The real extent of this state of misinformation is known only to those who are in situations to confront facts within their knowledge with the lies of the day." —Thomas Jefferson (1807)

  18. #58
    Moderator Tri70's Avatar
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    secret code


    After a President has been in office for 1 year it is customary for the
    last President to send a note to the new president. So when the note came from
    Bush to Obama, the President was somewhat troubled because it was written in
    code and all it said was:

    370H-SSV-0773H

    This troubled him as he had always heard from his peers how former
    president Bush was perceived to have been scholarly challenged. So he took the note
    to his wife. She was unable to decipher it.

    They called in the VP, and he was unable to decode the message. They
    called in the chief of staff and the head of Secret Service detail and they were
    unable to determine the meaning of the note.

    Next he called in the head of the Senate and Speaker of the House.. They
    both were mystified by the meaning of the coded message.

    Now there was complete panic in the Oval Office. They called all of
    their contacts in the media and sent copies of the note to all of them, and not
    one was able to come up with an answer. A special emergency meeting was called
    by the staff. All branches of the military, counter intelligence, CIA, FBI
    were called in, and the best minds were unable crack the code.

    After a sleepless night, a now humbled President Obama picked up the
    phone and called the former president, and asked him the meaning of the note.

    George Bush chuckled and replied---" you're holding it upside down"!
    If we could follow 1 Commandment, 'Love Each Other!', it would be enough! -Apostle Paul

    21 Then I saw “a new heaven and a new earth,”[a] for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea.

    "Nothing can now be believed which is seen in a newspaper. Truth itself becomes suspicious by being put into that polluted vehicle. The real extent of this state of misinformation is known only to those who are in situations to confront facts within their knowledge with the lies of the day." —Thomas Jefferson (1807)

  19. #59
    Moderator Tri70's Avatar
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    Tools and there uses;

    DRILL PRESS:

    A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

    WIRE WHEEL:

    Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh shit'

    SKIL SAW:

    A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

    PLIERS:

    Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

    BELT SANDER:

    An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

    HACKSAW:

    One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

    VISE-GRIPS:

    Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.


    OXYACETYLENE TORCH:

    Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

    TABLE SAW:

    A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

    HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:

    Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

    BAND SAW:

    A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

    TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:

    A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

    PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:

    Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

    STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:

    A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

    PRY BAR:

    A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

    HOSE CUTTER:

    A tool used to make hoses too short.

    HAMMER:

    Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.


    UTILITY KNIFE:

    Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing Skin & clothing.

    Son of a Bitch TOOL:

    Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a bitch at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
    If we could follow 1 Commandment, 'Love Each Other!', it would be enough! -Apostle Paul

    21 Then I saw “a new heaven and a new earth,”[a] for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea.

    "Nothing can now be believed which is seen in a newspaper. Truth itself becomes suspicious by being put into that polluted vehicle. The real extent of this state of misinformation is known only to those who are in situations to confront facts within their knowledge with the lies of the day." —Thomas Jefferson (1807)

  20. #60
    Moderator Tri70's Avatar
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    I saw this one on another forum and it gave me a good chuckle!
    If we could follow 1 Commandment, 'Love Each Other!', it would be enough! -Apostle Paul

    21 Then I saw “a new heaven and a new earth,”[a] for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea.

    "Nothing can now be believed which is seen in a newspaper. Truth itself becomes suspicious by being put into that polluted vehicle. The real extent of this state of misinformation is known only to those who are in situations to confront facts within their knowledge with the lies of the day." —Thomas Jefferson (1807)

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