the LOL thread ... all things funny

[OR357]

An Ex-Lawyer, an Illegal Alien, a Pathological Liar, a Muslim, a Communist and a Black Guy walk into a bar.

The bartender asks....

"What'll it be, Mr. President?"



LMAO ... well done OR357, a good one!

alright folks, OR357 has shown us how it's done ... keep the laughs coming

[Tri70]

Why it's better in the South!

http://www.tastefullyoffensive.com/2...vs-winter.html

[Tri70]

Barack Obama met with the Queen of England.


He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government?
Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with
intelligent people."

Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around are really intelligent?"

The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an
intelligent riddle."

The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?"


The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister.


Who is it?"


Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me."


"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.

Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden the same question. "Joe, answer this for me.
Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's
not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," said Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one." He went to his
advisers and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer.


Finally, Biden ran into Sarah Palin out eating one night. Biden asked, "Sarah, can
you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not
your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Sarah Palin answered right back, "That's easy; it's me!"

Biden smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Then, he went back to speak with Obama. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Sarah Palin!"


Obama got up, stomped over to Biden and angrily yelled into his face, "No! You idiot! It's Tony Blair!"


AND THAT IS PRECISELY WHAT'S GOING ON AT THE WHITE HOUSE!!!

[OR357]

The Irish Priest

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye,'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."

[OR357]

A democrat Congressman and two friends - a rabbi and a Hindu holy man - had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.

The farmer said, "There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn."

"No problem," chimed the rabbi. "My people wandered in the desert for forty years. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening."

With that, he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night.

Moments later, a knock was heard at the door, and the farmer opened it. There stood the rabbi from the barn.

"What's wrong?" asked the farmer.

He replied, "I'm grateful to you, but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn, and my faith believes that is an unclean animal."

His Hindu friend agreed to swap places with him. But a few minutes later, the same scene recurred. There was a knock on the door.

"What's wrong now?" the farmer asked.

The Hindu holy man replied, "I too am grateful for your helping us out, but there is a cow in the barn, and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!"

Well, that left only the Congressman to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but he went out to the barn.

Moments later, there was another knock on the farmer's door.

Frustrated and tired, the farmer opened the door, and there stood ... the pig and the cow.

[bkt]

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally I thought about an age old question:

Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case.

[OR357]

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade.. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: " Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot..

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.."

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"

He said: "Who f%*ked up your hair?"

[DOCTHEROCK]

A cowboy, mexican and muslim all sit down at the bar for a drink.

The muslim chugs his beer, throws the glass in the air, shoots in and says " in my country we have so much money there is no need to drink out of the same glass twice!"

The mexican chugs his beer down, throws the glass in the air, shoots it and exclaims " in my country glasses are so cheap there is no need to drink out of the same one twice!"

The cowboy, after slowly drinking his beer, throws his glass in the air and shoots the mexican and muslim and exclaims " in my country we have so many mexicans and muslims there is no need to drink with the same ones twice!!!"

[Tri70]

A man went to the Doctor and the doctor told him he had only 24 hours to live. He goes home to tell his wife and after they both had a long cry over it, he asked her if she would have sex with him since he only had 24 hours to live.


"Of course Darling," she replied.


And so they have sex.


Four hours later they are lying in bed and he turns to her again and says, "you know I only have 20 hours to live, do you think we could do it again?"


Again she responds very sympathetically and agrees to have sex.


Another 8 hours pass, and she had fallen asleep from exhaustion. He taps her on the shoulder, and asks her again, "You know dear, I only have 12 more hours left, how about again for old times sake?"


By this time she is getting a little annoyed, but reluctantly agrees.


After they finish she goes back to sleep and 4 hours later, he taps her on the shoulder again and says, "Dear, I hate to keep bothering you but you know I only have 8 hours left before I die, can we do it one more time?"


She turns to him with a sour look on her face and says, "You know....... you don't have to get up in the morning. I do!!!"

[Davy]

An old bull and a young bull were standing on a hill looking down on a valley full of cows. “Hey”, says the young bull. “Let’s run down and enjoy one of those cows…”
“No”, says the old bull. “Let’s walk down and enjoy them all.”
Yes, that’s the clean version of the joke.

[Tri70]

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.


The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.


The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".


The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"


The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

[Tri70]

Wife's Diary :

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing..' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster .

Husband's Diary :

A two-foot putt..........who the hell misses a two-foot putt??

[Fireguy]

6year old and 4 year old brothers are talking in their room.

The 6 year old says, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss.
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues,"When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna
say something with hell and you say something with ass."
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.


When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast,

he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.
WHACK He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up,and runs upstairs

crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit,slapping
his rear with every step.
His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?">
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"

[Vikingdad]

Not a joke, but funny as Hell nevertheless!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AQ9L9YBJkk8

[Tri70]

There were 2 hunters from the south hunting together one day. One of the men dropped dead and the other man started to freak out so he called 911. When the call came through the operator answered "Hello what do you need" , "Well a buddy of mine dropped dead what do I do?" "OK first you have to clam down then make sure that he is dead". There is some silence then a gun shot, "OK now what"

[NitroxAZ]

Two guys are standing outside of a bar with their dogs and are really wanting to get a beer.

1st guy: I really want a beer and that bar is calling my name.
2nd guy: But we have our dogs and they won't let them in there.
1st guy: I am going to put on my sunglasses and pretend my dog is a service dog

So the 1st guy go to the door and is confronted by the bouncer

Bouncer: Hey, you aren't allowed to bring a dog in here
1st guy: He is my seeing eye dog.
Bouncer: I have never seen a Rottweiler as a service dig
1st guy: They are just now starting ti use them because they have been a great success.
Bouncer: Cool. Go on in.

Seeing the success of his friend, the second guy waits a minute, puts on his sunglasses and heads to the bar.

Bouncer: Hey, you aren't allowed to bring a dog in here.
2nd guy: He is my seeing eye dog.
Bouncer: Since when did they start using Chihuahua's as service dogs?
2nd guy: Damn! They gave me a Chihuahua???

[OR357]

It was George the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood
.
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee.
She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door and up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate sex he had ever experienced!

When he had enough, they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All of this was just too wonderful for words." He said, "But what's the dollar for"?

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you.
I asked him what to give you, and he said, "Screw him. Give him a dollar." "The breakfast was my idea!!"

[Tri70]

A blonde is feeling really lousy and goes to the doctor. He gives her a thorough examination and tells her: "Good news. You're going to have a baby!" The blonde says: "I can't be pregnant. I'm not married!" The doctor says: "Well, you are pregnant." The blonde says: "Are you sure it's mine?"

[Fireguy]

gunshapedcloud.jpg

Oh no! The horror!

[Dillinger]

Bouncer: Since when did they start using Chihuahua's as service dogs?
2nd guy: Damn! They gave me a Chihuahua???

HA HA HA HAHAHAHA !!

Didn't see that one before the punchline. Awesome.